The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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