Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
