it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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