i need an iv and a liver transplant
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
