In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
