why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
