I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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