pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i came on her dog
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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