I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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