What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
