Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
