Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
