I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
