Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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