There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
