i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
