my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
