living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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