i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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