I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
