i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
