Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
