Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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