I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
