I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
