I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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