Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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