i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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