found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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