I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
