your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
