I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
