P.S. I can't hear my feet
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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