so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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