a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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