Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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