If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
