she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm like, not good at living.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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