I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
