I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
