i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
