I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
