the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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