Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
