oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
