Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
