last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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