I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
