People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
