last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
