There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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